Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Depression must stop!

My mood swings have been phenomenal recently. From the highest highs when I'm with my boyfriend away from the office, to the lowest lows when I come home after a day of doing so much less than I know I should have. Over the course of a few days I went back to the mindset I had before starting the fieldwork: why am I doing this, I'm not cut out to do a PhD, I've wasted my entire life fighting for something I'm going to fail at.

I'm not over this. I probably won't ever get over it completely. I don't know what I want to do with my life, so the doctorate is the default. If I don't just get on with it, I'll be wasting an opportunity and will probably regret it for the rest of my life. So I'm just carrying on.

It's so easy to lose all motivation, though. This is why I really appreciate it when I can meet with my supervisors. They give me direction. After a long time being very focused on getting the fieldwork done, having to come back to the University and step back into the big picture of this research has made everything feel so daunting. Everything is freaking me out so much that I don't know where to begin and I'm scared to touch anything.

I need to break things down and focus on one thing at a time, otherwise I feel overwhelmed. But at the same time, I mustn't focus so much that I get lost in the details. It's so easy for me to get hung up on little details and get stressed and frustrated and bogged down by them. How can I strike a balance?

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